I am a Christian and I love gay people.

(I’m not sure with the heading. No matter what I wrote sounded weird, but it’s the closest I got to the point of the text below.
I hope I don’t offend anyone. You should know by now how much/litle I like to talk about this. . . )

Let’s start with this beautiful video of beautiful parents, and beautiful teens sharing an important moments in their lives. And to them it turned out beautifully. (Sadly this is not the reality to many)
As a few might know, I am not the one who don’t like to discuss my views on homosexuality in public. Many strong opinions, and all that, and it should be so.
But it happens that I sometimes want to say something about it, like now.

Before I have always been neutral, flat, ”No opinion”, on this topic.
Now I can’t picture me anything else than a : ”So much yes” 

What happened? 
I don’t know. I’ve got older and wiser? Learned more, educated myself by paying more attention, listened more, spend times with different kind of people? I don’t know. 
But what I DO know is that love is the keyword. Everyone deserve and needs it. Love is on the top of everything. How can we love if we don’t know love.
The Bible say’s a beautiful thing about love : ” And biggest of everything is love” 
L o v e. Love is biggest of everything. 
Therefore : Gay people do.not.go.to.hell – period.
As a Christian myself I get pissed and frustrated by other Christians actually saying they do. Scaring them away instead of showing them the ”love” Jesus want us to share with ALL kind’s people. It’s not the way to go to share love. In stead they create fear towards something as beautiful as love.
Fear a completely normal thing as love between two people.
And this just cause in extreme situation :
– Children that live in fear for they parents, friends, society.
– Low self esteem 
– Fear of not being loved
– Fear of not being accepted
– Fear of being excluded (from home, friends,family)
Fear fear fear fear . . . just because from the one they are. And they are not even hurting people. They just want to live a normal life as everyone else. Love as everyone else. No matter what gender. It is in my opinion not important.
Love is love. 

Wikipedia on love: 

”Love encompasses a variety of strong and positive emotional and mental states, ranging from the most sublime virtue or good habit, the deepest interpersonal affection and to the simplest pleasure.An example of this range of meanings is that the love of a mother differs from the love of a spouse, which differs from the love of food. Most commonly, love refers to a feeling of strong attraction and emotional attachment. Love can also be a virtue representing human kindness, compassion, and affection, as “the unselfish loyal and benevolent concern for the good of another”. It may also describe compassionate and affectionate actions towards other humans, one’s self or animals.Love in its various forms acts as a major facilitator of interpersonal relationships and, owing to its central psychological importance, is one of the most common themes in the creative arts. Love has been postulated to be a function to keep human beings together against menaces and to facilitate the continuation of the species.”

It is not a new thing that religion is what might cause these fears in the first place. Religion or people twisting religion in their own ways. 
Some churches and other religious ways practice this ‘fear’ in their lessons, and I think its just wrong. Don’t practice fear against a completely innocent group of people! Practice love. SO EASY, so hard. 

There are beautiful priest(and people) and not so beautiful priests(and people) on this topic, all around the world, so don’t judge them all.
Jesus says : Let all children come to me. (We are the children. All of us. Those who want to come, they come. Everyone are welcome.)
I despite priests/people that close their doors for gay people who wants to be there. Seriously. I don’t think God would be proud about that action. 
And don’t even get me started on the (few, luckily) people who walks up with signs saying :  ”God hates Gay people” ”Gay people goes to hell” 
Nope. Wrong. Fail. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Assholes.

I could write a long post about Religion and homosexuality, but I won’t, lets just leave that discussion for another time. (Let’s also drop the – religion is the source of all evil, it’s not that ‘simple’, and I have heard it all before, trust me – You can have that discussion anywhere else on the internet.:) )

I have many gay/bi friends. Close and distant.
And they are all lovely people that I would not been without. They have teached me a lot.
My close gay friends knew about my ‘neutral’ zone, and they have not judged me. . . as far as I know. 
But now I cannot say that I am neutral anymore : I am positive. 100% (Even attended the Pride walk, in Cracow and everything. It was not planned, but we just felt the only right thing to do was to walk with them.) 🙂 

I have always been for : Love. Of course two people have the right to love one another. It’s not gross, and can never be. Love is always beautiful. And biggest of it all, is love. Think of everything you can bake in the word ‘love’? It’s not only between two people. It’s SO much more.
Be kind, be gentle, be respectful and be loving. 
ESPECIALLY if you are a parent. I can’t even in my wildest fantasy imagine me as a parent trowing my kid out on the streets because they tell me that they are gay.
But this happens in this world, today! Can you believe it? It’s just sick. Don’t they love their child more than that? What is LOVE, where is the LOVE? It’s your child, YOUR creation. It’s not a privilege to have a child. If they can’t teach their child that every person is valuable no matter what person/gender they choose to love, well – People like that don’t deserve to have children. . .

Love breeds love. Hate breeds hate. Fear breeds fear, and so on.

Let’s not attack our neighbor for doing things differently than you (unless it’s harmful to anyone) 

I might loose my point now, but what I meant is : You have my 100% support! 
And now days videos like this one (above) is just warming my heart. To see that there are hope for human kind, and to see that there are people out there who truly understand the meaning of love. Imagine how much that means to these teens. Come on, that act of that parent changes their lives, in a good way.
They learn that they are accepted, loved, and that its totally OK to feel/be that way!

I am a Christian and I love gay people.

Peace out.

Drinks, from Good to absolute shit!

Just for fun,I will rank different drinks from Good to bad.
It will be my subjective opinion, so it’s not that interesting. I just need to exchange my non-facebook-time to something else, so this happens.
Not that bad though, trying to wake up my blog again. And something that is not only larp-related.

It’s a bit funny how peaceful it’s in here when I switched over to english. Haha. 
I’m not complaining. There is NO ”anonymous” haters. At all. I kind of miss them. 
Then again, there is little activity over all. People needs to practise more english, guys. It’s important, these days! (And this comes from she who hated English at school, and almost failed every exam in the topic)
AKA : Practice often is the only way to get better.
Conclusion : Start LARPING on international larps, or get a job where you have no choice, you must be able to speak and understand the language. (Daily)

Enough about that, on to the topic. 
(I wont add like everything I drink, because that list will be LONG, just some lovely stuff and not so lovely stuff)

1 : Pepsi Max (Is the best drinking thingy in da world!) On glass or box preferable.
2: Tea
3: Fresh pressed orange juice 

4: Red Wine
5: Water
6: Colorful drinks
7: Applejuice
8: Cider, sweet, for the love of God, SWEET Cider. Everything else is shit.
9: Other wines, not white.
10:Ice tea
11: Hot Chocolate, if made vegan.

Tea <3 It must be at least three-four a day. . .

Not so lovely : 
1: Vodka , the worst taste i human history. How can people drink this natural, just how? Nobody can possibly like the taste of burning fire. . . I get a hangover just to think about it.
2: Whiskey and general all kinds of brown liquor – Erw. I really want to like whiskey, but nop. I have not found anything good about it, yet. 
3: Syrup . . . 
4: Beer.
5: Coffee. I can drink it if I must, but I rather not.

6: Tea without sugar
7: Coca Cola, natural on plastic (Too sweet. But a ice cold box, or glass cola is OK)
8: Fanta. . . bad experience with Fanta+Vodka back in the days. . . Fanta still taste like vodka. I’ve ruined it.
9: Sprite. Too much of it as a child when visiting my grandparents. I just can’t drink it today, at all. Not that or any other version of lemon soda.
10: Funny coke alternative they like to sell on organic restaurants/vegan (though normal pepsimax is vegan) , but yeah. Those are horrible!

This one!

Peace out 🙂


I wanna talk about confidence.

What is confidence? 
WikipediaConfidence has a common meaning of a certainty about handling something, such as work, family, social events, or relationships.Some have ascribed confidence as a state of being certain either that a hypothesis or prediction is correct or that a chosen course of action is the best or most effective. Self-confidence is having confidence in one’s self. Arrogance or hubris in this comparison is having unmerited confidence  believing something or someone is capable or correct when they are not. Overconfidence or presumptuousness is excessive belief in someone (or something) succeeding, without any regard for failure. Confidence can be a self-fulfilling prophecy as those without it may fail or not try because they lack it and those with it may succeed because they have it rather than because of an innate ability.

I do believe confidence is important to all people. And personally, I find confidence sexy. 
Believe in yourself. 
Always easier said than done.
I know this, because I’ve been struggling with low-self confidence for YEARS. To be clear, I don’t feel I lack it now, not on a general basis in my everyday life. I feel quite confident in myself, and it’s a wonderful feeling of freedom, really. If I should describe it with one word : Freedom.
I am free from the burden that tells me: I am not good enough. I can’t fix this, I can’t do anything, I am usless. Don’t even try, you will fail anyways. . . and so on.
It does not mean that these thoughts never occur me from time to time, because they do. But. It’s temporary thoughts, and they will pass, because they often comes with a bad day or after a fight or something like that. It’s human, I think. We all have these days. 
Saying ”I am confident ‘‘ is not equal to ”I do everything great, I am the best, I am perfect, Everything I do is top quality! ”
It’s not what I mean. It’s more like : I do/did my best, and I am happy with it and I can stand for my own opinion. And that’s ALWAYS good enough.
Everyone else that don’t care for you, don’t deserve your time and should certainly not be rewarded by seeing that they broke you. 

I think I slowly began to regain confidence about my looks at first. I was far in my 20s before I accepted my face, my body, my general looks.
I am OK. I don’t feel shit when I see myself in the mirror, not even on early mornings. I see – Me – Nothing more to say about it. 
Later on I started accepting that people liked my drawings, and it motivated me to draw more. And I still draw weekly, so thank you!
I hear some people say I have a nice singing voice (but I am not there to believe it yet, I am working on it!) I find things about me that I like more than other things, and it’s always rather a funny thing. Getting to know myself all over again :p  

I still have a job to do when it comes to performance. Here my confidence is not the best.
This is especially things like where a certain quality is expected from me. I need to perform, and people will be watching, and whatever mistake you do is VERY VISIBLE. 
In these situations I am at the bottom. I am literally afraid, scared and so unsure. 
Ect : Singing solo! Playing piano while people are listening (even in front of my teacher) – These are the things I can think of right now. There are more, but can’t think of any atm.

There is only way to fix it : Do it. Fake it until you make it. Make mistakes, but get back up. Do it again and again, until you just get it right. Relax and know – You won’t die of making a mistake or 10. Nobody else will kill you either.

This leads to the next thing I wanna mention.
 – I don’t think confidence comes out of no where. 
I think we all have to work a bit for it. We need to try and fail until we stop failing. When we see and experience positive things in our personal life, confidence grows. But we need help from others. Together we can build each other up. A person with low self confidence need to walk out of its comfort zone and face some fears, and do it until it becomes so natural that it’s boring. When we break a barrier in our life its very rewarding. We meet a wall, but we break it.
That is confidence. 
Don’t run away from your fears, face them. Face them over and over again. Face them until you win. Embrace the feeling. You won. 
Step out from the comfort zone – face your doubts
Be uncomfortable
– because then you have a choice. Fight it? Or flee? 
If you avoid it forever – you will never have the choice. You will never progress, move forward. 
Keep staying where you are will not get you anywhere, it will not build your confidence. Being afraid won’t get you anywhere either. I hate to say it, and it might sound SO horrible. . . but think about it :  F. eks, me. I am afraid of singing solo in front of people. . . Like really. I am shaking, and my voice is shaking so much that every not I sing ends up wrong, though I KNOW, I know this song well… but because of fear, I can’t perform. Not even in front of close friends.
I freeze. 
If I hide away and never try at all – I can never do it. Brutal as it is. (Maybe you can, but I can’t) I HAVE to go out there, try. . . and try and try and try and fail so many times until one day I have failed so many times, that nothing matters anymore. Maybe I can relax more then, and suddenly something will change. I will never know if I don’t step out and face the fear.

About failing : It’s a hard thing. If you fail a million time on the same thing it can really break out confidence . . . if you give up.  If you don’t give up, but give it just one another try, and then you see progress. . .  THAT Feeling! 
This is typic for me in computergames : That feeling when you defeated THAT ONE boss, after 1000 tries. THAT FEELING.
Feel that feeling.

But it’s not our job alone. We need feedback from people. Ask for feedback. But personally the feedback I get that I did not ask for, or expect – its the main elements that have helped me build my confidence.
Feedback and confirmation : ”You draw great” , ” You look great”,  ”You do great” ” You are great” .
We all have a role to build confidence, together. Not alone. Together. 

If people tell me I draw great, but I don’t believe it myself. . . It’s not getting me anywhere. I am stuck where I am. 
How can I believe in my own work? 
– Figure out why I don’t like my own work. What do I want to achieve, what is my goals, what do I need to do better to like my own work, what is the source!?
When I have that answer : Face my fears and work towards it. Try and fail until you stop failing. . . so much. 
And for all the love in this world : If your friends tell you that you are/do great, SAY THANK YOU ( UNTIL YOU BELIEVE IT YOURSELF, then continue say thank you) Just do it. There is no reason why you should make an excuse over why you are not great. If THEY think you are great – You are. <3

Confidence is a constant work
But it all starts with you. 
Why are you not confident, and what can you do about it? (Don’t say nothing. That’s equal to dig yourself down in a hole and decide to stay there. You are better than that) 
 It’s not other peoples job to build your confidence. We do it together.  
Other people might kill and try to destroy yours (They did with me. From the age of 7-16 I was regularly reminded that I am weak and ugly. . .) From 16-25 I had to learn to build it up again, much thanks to good friends seeing and accepting me for the person I am. From 25 – to present , I feel fantastic. I have my flaws and elements I need to work with, but I know them, and I know how to fight it. . . I am just afraid to do it, but I will try, again and again, I promise.

Also, did you know that giving compliments boost your confidence as well? It does.
You make another person smile. It feels good, right?

Believe in yourself.  
Don’t give up when things get tough. If you fall, get back on that bike – Or else you will be afraid of it (that fall) forever.

Again, this is just my views on it. I speak in general, and I am not one who will correct you wrong, (because personal reasons and so on.) but I hope if you struggle with confidence, that you one day also can breathe out and taste the sweetness off being free from that burden of believing ‘ I can’t do anything. I am not good enough. I am not good looking. Everyone else is better.’ 
It’s worth it. And you deserve that too 🙂 

Peace out.




Amazing piece of art!


Look at this!

This is Photoshop mad skills.

I asked for a commission, and I was so lucky to get one. And it turned out better than I could hope for!
Look at it! 😀 😀 

What is this, you might ask. 
Let me tell you, please! 

This is me, as my Larp character from Witcher School – Bodil. 
She is a witcher adept from the Cat school. 
(Based on the Witcher universe. Games/book ) 
Therefore: Me + a cat (A lynx in this case, because they are pretty and sneaky and deadly) :p 

Artist : Fabian Fabianski
He is super talented with this, and I’ve seen a few others, which is basically the best thing on the internet! And now I have one!! 😀 
I can’t believe it.

I am totally blown away how amazing it is. I look gorgeous! The more I look at it, the better it gets.

Iiiiih, this Tuesday just turned out AMAZING,  now I smile.


Life should be more than existing

I tend to live my life. And I hope I am not alone. We all should.
Sometimes it’s hard, sometimes we don’t want to, sometimes we are sick, and sometimes it just seems impossible to do anything but working, eating, sleeping, breathing – repeat.
Life should be more than that, right? 

Many people are too obsessed with their carrier that they forget that there are more to this life than work.
Work leads to money, yes. And you can buy stuff for money. But what is the point with money and stuff if you don’t have time to enjoy them. Do you have time for vacation? Have time for your family and friends? Time is precious, and once it’s spend, you can never get it back. Time is priceless and time is what our life is.
We have our given time to choose to what to do with it.Once it’s over, it’s over, and we are dead. What have you achieved? It’s your call.

Just need to add this hugging picture of me and my friend. It’s taken after a Larp this year (Battle Quest) and I find it so lovely. Well spend TIME!
Hug more people!

The smallest thing can be the biggest thing. Everyday we have the chance and opportunity to create something beautiful for ourselves. Ever considered to change your daily routine once in a while, to do something different? Take a walk in the forest, go feed the ducks in the park, read a book instead of watching TV, visit a friend you have not seen for a while, go for a jog, visit your old grandma, create one amazing dinner and invite friends over, visit the hairdresser and ask them to do something cool with your hair, book a weekend on a hotel with your loved one, play with your dog and watch how happy it gets, attend a course to feed your interest, learn to play an instrument, get a hobby or a sport you have not tried before, buy a different kind of chocolate and eat it in peace, meditate for 15 minutes, try Yoga, tell someone they are beautiful and see what happens to both you and that person, help a stranger, buy something nice for yourself, be good to yourself, travel more, meet different people, talk to different kinds of people, learn from them, do something extreme, travel to exotic places, travel to the poles . . . ect. and the list can go on forever. 

As Gandalf say’s : All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us. 
”The Lord of the rings, the fellowship of the ring. Gandalf talking to Frodo in Moria”

This said, I really want to watch the movies again. Perhaps that’s what I will do later. Break out from normal routine, and just spend 4 wonderful hours in the sofa, watching LOTR, again (for the 100th and something time, literally)

It’s different from people to people. Some need people to be happy, others prefer to be alone, or with fewer people. But we are not created to be totally alone. Don’t isolate yourself. So try do something with people you love once in a while. We need them.
I can only speak for myself : I love people, and I truly feel good and happy when I can be with friends and do things together in a group. But I also like being at home doing a-social stuff like TV,Computer, Games ect. But in general : I am an extrovert. (Seems so rare these days, as almost everyone I know say they are introverts :p)

Back to the point.
Don’t exist, live. You truly-really deserve it, and it IS your right! You are in charge of your life, and your future starts today, it starts now. 
Yes I know things can be difficult due to different (personal) issues in our lives. I am talking in general.
The day we die, I hope we can get a chance to look back with a smile over everything we have achieved. That we can cheer over every obstacle we have won and defeated. That we can be grateful and thankful for all the people came into our lives and made us feel loved and taken care of. 
That we can look back and say : I had a good life. 

Things might be hard, things will be hard, but I truly – honestly believe it wont be forever. And when things are hard, make sure to embrace the moments when things are not. Don’t be afraid to be happy when you feel good, even if its just for a moment. Embrace it with all you. Live on it. Treasure it. 
Why : Because when things get’s hard again – You can pick up this happy memory, and think about it. It will warm your heart. Think about the happy part – NOT what went wrong (if it’s such a memory)

Everyone experience hard times, some more that others – But. We still have one life. Find and search for something good in it. Because YOU deserve it.
Happiness don’t just come to us, like that – We must hunt for it. Sad, but true. Nothing comes to us for free. Also, happiness is not just one person or one thing or one place. A combination maybe?
Talking about love, partnership, marriage, friends,family. 
People come and go, in our life. (It might hurt, A LOT when they go) but it is how it is. Remember them for the good things they did, and learn/forget from the bad things. No need to feed on it. We have to move on. Life is to short to give up to early, in my opinion. 
And yes : This is note to self, because I have been close to give up several times, because I was tired of fighting, tired of being strong, tired of everything.
Yet, there have always been this thought holding me back : ”There is a lot more to explore. You are not half-way there, yet. Think of everything you will miss that is out there waiting for you, in the future. It’s worth fighting for. Tomorrow might be better.” 

I am especially found of : ” Tomorrow might be better”. Who knows what tomorrow brings? Only one way to know. 

This post might sound naive, but one thing is true – ” Your life is your time. Only you can decide what to do with it.” 

Hugs, and peace out! 

Something about me

Meh, I’m bored. So therefore the only thing to do is to share useless facts about me.

– I raise 168 cm above the ground. Give me high heals and I’am the ground.
– I like green olives.
– I hate cooking, but I can do waffles. 
– I can’t sew. . . anything. 
– PB on 50m freestyle (swimming)  00:33 (It was far from good enough to get me anywhere other from A to B) 
– Unkissed until the age of 17  
– Shortest relationship: Less than 12hrs. (I was 10) 
– I am allergic to cats
– V E G A N (I can’t do this post without mention it, at least once :p)
– I answer ca. 70 phone calls pr day.
– I study Polish as a hobby. And I don’t really get it. Other than that, I just speak two languages, but I understand four
– Favorite country : Norway and Poland.
– Favorite language : French
– I like neither beer or Coffee
– I’ve been in these countries :  Norway(home, doh), Sweden(many), Denmark, England, Netherlands(5-6), Belgium, Germany, Spain(2 time on the islands, once on the mainland), Italy, Bulgaria, Greece (The islands, Crete, Kos,) Turkey(3 times), Austria, Poland(Many, twice a year since 2016), Iceland, Mexico, USA, (I think that’s all)
– I am one of those who buy Christmas cookies in October. . . 
– I don’t like planes, but they are useful.

– I hope that people who treats animals bad die of the plague. 
– The first computer game I fell in love with was Heroes of Might and Magic II !
– My dog won a dog-show tree(ish) years ago. She won the whole thing <3 

– I hate jogging
– Bullies are cunts
– Favorite move : The Lord of The Rings 
– I don’t like Star Wars 
– Favorite color : Green 
– I’ve been to two concerts in my life. Sabaton and Sonata Arctica, both are my favorite bands.
– I’ve been a patient at a hospital twice (Two months in a row) Both because I got food stuck in my throat. last time I stayed there for a week, because they fucked up during the operation and I got an infection. (This was during Christmas too) 
2011 or something. High on drugs, and waiting for operation- face!

– I have never smoked or tried any other drug than (legal)alcohol.
– I am a technical disaster. 
– I am allergic of Penicillin
– I played an angel on my first LARP in 2007
– I am 1/3 Island Faerolander, and 1/4 German 
– I am extremely afraid of spiders! (Phobia)
– I am Christian protestant. 
– I used to be really shy 
– I don’t have a driver’s licence, and I don’t want one. 
– I hate shopping.
– I used to play Warhammer the miniature game, but I have no one to play with anymore, so the army remains unpainted, badly painted and dusting away somewhere in the closet, because I don’t have the heart to get rid of them.

And so on XD


Witcher to Bergen

This weekend.

Tomorrow morning to be exact.
A witcher will find her way to Bergen, to my place, all the way from Poland.
I am SO excited. 

Larp is amazing. You can almost guarantee to meet new amazing people, and some of these amazing people might even become your friend.
And then there is some who actually want to travel for miles to get to visit you for a few days. And this coming weekend I get a visitor! 
It was rather spontaneously, I think it was decided 2 months ago, if not less. 
I can’t wait to be host again. The weekend shopping was taken yesterday, and the food supplies is taken care of. The only thing I miss is the wine. Gonna fix that tomorrow. 🙂  Yep, wine, talk-polish-with-me, dance and talking is on the agenda. And I don’t even dance, but who cares as long as we are having fun.
I’m so excited for the small tings, like : Preparing a tasty breakfast with fresh bread, tea, juice and maybe waffles. Hotel breakfast! 
Also, gonna introduce the town, small, but pretty town (If the weather is good) And maybe a dinner and drinks at a good restaurant. 

I am so happy I have a day off tomorrow as well, then I can be at the airport early to pick her up, and this amazing weekend can start EARLY! 

I am so amazed whenever people come travel from far to visit me. (Everywhere from Norway to Europe) Like. It’s a lot. Plane tickets are not exactly cheap these days. All that for me…Come on! They invest their time (and money) to visit me

So I better make it worth they stay. I love being a host, so it’s just fun to take care of someone else for some days.

I wont be able to see her again before next Witcher School event for me, which will be in the end of March – so, it’s great to have some of these meetups in between. Either if it is a lot of people, or just one.

We met last time at Battle Quest – Larp i Poland this summer.
She is in this picture 😉 

Ah, fun fun fun! 


Come to think about it. How many people I’ve met since I decided to try Witcher School. And imagine a life without knowing these people?! 
Geek life is special. Would not have it any other way 🙂

Just a few more hours at work (and the class-course in Polish , and the GYM, THEN I am ready. Need to clean house and prepare) :3 

Health is improving

2018 has been a year with a lot of ”small” changes in the everyday – routine. And they have changed a lot. For once, to the better.
No – it has not been easy.
It can seem easy enough, but I still need to go several rounds with my self to actually adapt to the changes and let them be a part of me. Let them be a part of my routines. To change something that has ”always been” , is not a small task, but important.

What have I changed? 


My doctor told me last year that I am depressed because I am close to be burned out. I need to calm down. A. Lot. I’ve been pushing my limits for years, and my energy-level is on reserve.
I told him that I have problems with saying ‘no’ to people and to my self. I go places and do stuff that I maybe don’t really feel like doing that day, but I feel bad if I cancel an appointment or don’t go to a party I am invited to. Could be because I think that I should be greatful for that people invite me to stuff with them (It’s the only thing I wanted when I was a teen), and if you don’t go, they will stop invite you, and you will end up alone again. Like the ”good ol’ youth-days”, where little me was 100% sure that I would die alone, unwanted and lonely.
I thought I was over that period in the beginning of my twenties, but according to my Doc. it is the root of many of my issues I thought I was done with, but reality tells me I am not. It’s just where it started, and it has just been there, and the bubble just grow when other ‘traumatic’ events happens in your life, and at one point the bubble breaks, and ALL of it attacks you at once – and poof – you are consumed by a million ‘partly’ unsolved events. And you end up confused, tired, messed up and weird.

He told me I need to focus more on myself, and my needs. Otherwise I can never be truly ‘happy’. I told him as it was back then. ”I am not happy. I don’t feel happiness in my life”.
– He told me : Say more NO. If friends ask you to go out – You don’t need to answer them right away. Take some time and feel. Do you want to go out, if not – you don’t. Tell them you have another appointment. If they still ask, give the same answer until they stop asking ; ” I have an another appointment” 
I should not need to tell them why. (Though me as a person really want to… because, I don’t wanna say no, so I feel like I need a decent reason to no go…) 
He : ”Don’t tell them why. It’s not their business. If they are your real friends, they will understand.”  
You have an another appointment. Try it. 

So I did. And I still do. But I also walk in my own traps. I tell people why. I make up stories that I am tired or something else to avoid that ”I have another appointment” if I don’t actually have one. I feel like I am lying. 
Either way : It is working. I have spent a lot more time at home, watching TV, playing games, draw – unsocial things-  and it have done me good. At least its how I feel about myself.

Downside : I start to feel comfortable being alone, gaming, close the world away… and it’s a bit dangerous, because I don’t want to end up as a game-addict (again) either. So I try to go out once in a while even if I don’t feel like it. It feels great when I am out with friends, though. When I get there, see their smiling faces, listen to their jokes and stories. I feel amazing. 
But nothing is like a warm cup of tea, a PepsiMax and my computer, TV or a blanket at home either. 
I think I need a balance between the two. Too much of both is bad for health. 

Also, I told everyone in advance that there will come a time now where I will need to say more NO, and I think that was a wise decision. True friends will understand. And that is all I need to know. Also, I will once again see who stay and who don’t – And I don’t need to fool myself with giving my time to people who have no intention of giving their time back.
My doc also made clear that there is a lot of ”takers” in the world, and he told me I have given to much to these takers already. Letting people take advantage of me, without knowing.
The only problem is : Who are the takers, who are they, and how do you figure it out, or when?
And when will you realize that they are the people stealing your energy in stead of give you energy? 
Probably when it’s to late, or gone too far. People can be cynical, right? And I need to learn to be less naive.
At the worst I might think that everyone who gives me a compliment or a smile is my friend -.- It’s bad.

– 2 –
I have recently cut of my Facebook time a whole lot. 
I can only log into Facebook on mondays and fridays. I can still share links, instagram stuff, pictures to facebook – but I won’t openit to check likes, comments or stuff like that before my facebook days ( only if it’s important groupinformations. Aka : WS pictures or something else relevant for the upcoming events)
I think I have done good so far. Proud. I’ve kept my days. I do forget sometimes, and press the facebook icon on the phone, but when I realize I immediately exit it.
This is a bit nice. I can sort of deal with my FOMO (Fear of missing out) , and I have learned that I don’t miss a lot of great importance when skipping facebook some days. I actually feel more free. Just look around yourself and take notice on how many people in all ages are glued to the phone, probably doing something that ‘can’ wait.
Downside: The only thing is birthdays. Sorry, I can’t remember any without it…shame. 

– 3 – 
I am trying to give myself a good advice in the mirror each day, or before bed. Just something positive, something wise, something logic or something uplifting.
It might sound naive, stupid, cliche, or whatever – but It works.  I think it does. Placebo? Well, nothing wrong with that if it makes me feel better. 

– 4 –

Cut in hobbies. This is hard for me, because I don’t want to quit with in things I like to do. But I can maybe reduce something to get more time to myself, room to relax.
I have cut down on piano lessons. In stead of every week, it’s now every second week. I failed a bit  though, since I started a class course in Polish, but I cut the online course. I don’t need double. It’s too much, and expensive. 
Its 1.5 hrs a week, so its not that much. 
I am a bit tired of reenacting, but I don’t want to quit either. Been there for 13 years, and I have all my friends there, but I have problem getting my ass out and do the training. Especially if the weather is bad.
Fitness and choir is a priority, so I try to not cut this. Music and health is important. And my doc. did not want me to stop playing piano either (he is also a piano player, so he sees the value in music)
Writing : Lack inspiration and will to start another project. So this is on ice. 
Larp : Two a year (Witcherschool) maybe more if some local larps pops up.
Tabletop Rolegame: I had to quit here. I just don’t have time. Sad, because it was really fun.
Drawing : A little bit weekly. Sometimes more, sometimes less. Just to keep it going. Small progress is also progress.


And so on.

So, changes are sometimes necessary now matter if we want them or not. I personally don’t like big changes, but I agree that they must happen at one point. Let’s just hope it’s for the better. 🙂 

Peace out.