Dear diary

Few knows, but in my teens I wrote diaries. Every day a little something to sum up the day.
Was not much - Just a few lines of: 

Today I went to school, we had English for 4 hours, I hated it. 
Then I went to swimming, it was hard training today, but I think I did good.
And **** was there today, he is so pretty. 

And something like that. He he. 

I do regret bitterly that I throw the diaries when I started high school. I also stopped writing diaries then.
Reading through my old ones were embarrassing enough. There was no way I could risk anyone find them, and read them! So garbage took care of them.
I regret, because those books really explain my life back then. In detail. 
Few words can say a lot about a person, the way my handwriting worked also changed by my mood when I wrote.
So many secrets I shared in those books. Secrets I never told anyone, though in a mysteriously way, people figured them out anyways.

I don't remember exact what I filled the pages with. But I wrote on a daily basis when I was 12-16 I think, and you can just guess what a young teen thinks about life.
There was a lot about boys, swimming, bulling, loneliness, what music I listened to and highlights of the days. 

In danger of being more personal than what I already am, I will share some sentences I do remember I wrote: 


1 :  Dear diary. I am sleeping over at a friends place tomorrow. I can't wait. It will be so great. Eating pizza, play games and just be happy. 

2: Dear diary. Today after the swim training and boy from our class stood outside and asked if my dad was gonna drive me home. ( His basketball training was over the same time as my swimming training, so from time to time we chatted a bit before going different ways) 
I said yes, and he asked very politely if he could join since we were going the same way. I said yes, and was very happy. He never talks to me at school, and he is so nice too.

3: Dear diary: Am I gonna die alone? I don't wanna be lonely for the rest of my life.

4: Dear diary. I hate my life. Why am I so ugly? Why don't people like me, and why can't I look like the other girls, having curves and nice clothing that fit their bodies? 

5: Dear diary. **** talked to me on the swimming training, he even gave me a hug. It was his birthday. I am so happy. 

6: Dear diary. How I wish I could have that friend who trusted me with their problems, so I can listen and be supportive. How I wish for someone who trust me, and will come to me when they need someone. I wanna be that someone to someone. But, I am always so shy. Why can't I be more outgoing, more brave? 

7: Dear diary. I want a boyfriend, but I am afraid of sex. I don't want a boyfriend. . . what shall I do? Never mind . . . nobody wants me anyways.

8. Dear diary. Been to school again. Boring day, as always. Trouble and lots of noise in the class, I can't focus.

9. Dear diary. I got a new score on 50m crawl today! 

10. Dear diary. I am SO in love, its painful! I have loved him for 3 years now, but I never told him, nor will I ever do. Why bother. But, oh. Have not seen him for a while, but sometimes I see him on the supermarket, all popular, funny and make his friends laugh. A friend tell me that he has a girlfriend. Of course he does. Such an angel can't be single.

11. Dear diary. I spent an hour on the stairs today, cuddling with out cat. It was freezing cold, but worth it. He is so beautiful. I love him.

12. Dear diary. Its friday - that means patties and french fries and Cola in front of the TV with mum and stepdad. I like fridays.

13. Dear diary. Today I have been drawing all evening while listening to music. Time pass on faster this way. 

14. Dear diary. God, I hate school. Hate it hate, hate it, hate it! 

15. Dear diary. I hate my self again. I'm ugly and stupid. I'm in love, but nobody wants me. I'm 16, and unkissed. I will die alone. 

16. Dear diary. Don't trust anyone, don't tell anyone anything - they will lie and betray you. Stop being so naive!

17. Dear diary. Oh my God - The lord of the rings was amazing. Its the best movie I ever seen. I have to see it again! I can't believe it. Wow! Elves <3 

And so on.
Hard to be a teen. And just in case, I am very changed from that girl today. I have learned from my mistakes, I have fought the hard times and slowly build back the confidence I never had. Today I am happy with who I am, and very thankful for all the people supporting me through this journey called life.


Ingen kommentarer

Skriv en ny kommentar



30, Bergen

En tegne/trene og skriveblogg. Jeg kommenterer ikke på andre blogger. Interesser: Tegning, skriving, dyrevelferd, hund, trening, reanactment, laiv, spill, sang og kor. I Juli 2015 fikk jeg min første fantasybok publisert. ''Klanen''