WITCHER SCHOOL JOURNEY - LARP - SEPTEMBER 2017- #9

Character development ! 

 

Just like in the video game, at Witcher School your character also level up. You start with nothing (or little, all depend on your past and history), and as the story go you somehow end up with new/better gear.

Many ways: 
- Earn money through honest work.
- Buy stuff for your honest payment.
- Loot dead bodies . . . it's not like the dead will miss it. 
- Find stuff.
- Visit your parents and accept their gifts. 
- Borrow your sisters stuff. 
. . . The list goes on. . . 

My character is also leveling up. She picks up doable contracts when she come over them, and just like any girl - who does not like shopping?
(Well. . . me as a person - hate it, but that's another story :p ) 

But before luxury, she needs the practical things all witcher needs to have a chance in the wild. 

Weapons
Good boots
Warm clothing, practical clothing. 
Full potion bottles,. 
Witcher medallion.
++ 

 

 The fact that you have this possibility to always upgrade your character after whatever path you choose for yours, makes the game so much more than anything else I have experienced in my LARP career.
I can't wait to see how mine end up in the very ending. It's like I am in a movie and I don't know the next chapter. It's amazing, and now I am smiling just to think of it. 

I tried to put all my 'Bodils' together under.
1: First event, Sept 2016. New adept. Had some clothing with her, but nothing major and nothing special, and certainly no weapons. 
2: March 2017. Been through some stuff, earned some orens, bought some new gear also a weapon. Found out that long hair was a pain in the ass since there are lice everywhere in the wild. Off with it!
3: Sept 2017 (soon) Hope there will be in game pictures of her. Hair is still short. But it's cold in the wild, and a cape is sometimes not so practical when moving around. A jacket is perfect! And one does always have room for some jewelry. . . 



1: What she had when she entered the school. Still human. Just simple clothing. Not poor, not rich. Average. . . well, alright. . .  a bit above average. . .


2 - Time flies! Cape and hood is new.

 

3 : Orens are there to be used - need two pairs of everything. . . well first things first - food and drinks of course, and perhaps a bed to sleep in. 
THEN two of everything!

 

Tam tam da ri tam - Only 9 days to game start! :D :D  

There's a story . . .

 

. . .  behind every person.

To wise word to be ignored. Must be shared.

Drawing - Another witcher + process

 

1

Just took one update, but its funny how much of a difference it is between the two of them :)
Kind of like the sketch as it is.

 

2

Drawing - Dandilion + process

Witcher 3 fanart 

 

 

 

 

 

DONE

Witcher School journey - LARP- September 2017

LETS talk costume!There was no choir today, so I got bored. what do you do, then, only two weeks left? 
YES - you do what all grown up larpers do: Dress up for no reason! 

 


So, I LOOOVE my pirate jacket so insanely bad. Not because its damn sexy alone, but very comfortable as well.

I needed to try everything on at least ONCE before I become Bodil De Versing again.
And this is just her ''I am not doing any training - now '' outfit.
She has another shirt for that, at least, maybe some other pants too.


You can see her cape and hood in the back corner there. . . It did not fit to this costume, but I will bring it with me anyways.
The hood is a chaperon <3 The coolest hat in the world.


Warning elfs : If you see her - Just run . . .  the other direction. . . 


Even got some elf ears there. #SoProud , Bodil has been hunting.


And if the Taverna get's hot, the jacket comes off. PARTY!

 

I am not bringing these boots with me, I think. They are very big, clumsy to run in, and takes up a lot of bagspace.


Closeup sword and sash

Beeeelts <3 


I look down on you. . . 


Cats

 

 

This is not even everything.
I have some BIG costumesurprises waiting, and I am DYING to see them :D 

IIIIH, this was fun! 
:D :D 



 

Can't sleep.

So.
Time;  04:23
I went to bed around 02:30
Been up since 10:45 , done reenactment training,  walked the dog, played games, eat good dinner, watched tv and drew a bit. An everyday, generally good day. . . .

But nights are one endless loss of time. I can't sleep.
Im not tired. I watch the night turn into morning as I am writing this, anytime now.
I've been looking up some YouTube videos for meditation, amrs (?) and videos who will help you through thougths or sleep.
Also listening to calming music, in between.

Does it help? Im still awake, but stopped crying and anxiety chest pain calmed, so maybe a bit. . . Maybe I did listen to the wrong video.

Sigh.
Now, well. It is how it is. It's just sorrow. . . It wont kill me, Ill  break out of this, I know I will. Help is on the way. Just a few more weeks.

Thanks for supporting me. You know who you all are. I deeply need you all, so please dont leave me. I'll pay you back whenever you ask. . . I am weak now, but I will never forget that you stood through fire for me - let me do the same for you.

Ill put my phone away now and give sleep another try.

Time : 04:35

Drawing - Another witcher

 

 

 

Drawing - Another witcher + process

 

Another witcher from the Witcher School larp has been drawn.

1


Sketchy sketch

2



More sketchy


3

Light, dark, shadow mode

4

Detail mode


5 Done

 

WITCHER SCHOOL JOURNEY - LARP - SEPTEMBER 2017- #7

In three weeks for now I am the plane, and soon landing in Wroclaw! 
COUNTDOWN TIME 

________________________________________________________________________
I took out a week vacation for Witcher School this time, and I will do so in the future too.
It's just the only chance I get the time to meet up with the locals and other people also arriving early/departing later.

I will be there from Tuesday 26-3 Oct.
Two days before the game, two days after the game. Because there is never enough time. I hope some people would like to meet up - if not. I'll be a tourist on my own. Which also can be quite nice. Let's hope for good weather :) 
I'm sure Wroclaw can provide me with Vegan cake shops. You'll find me there :p <3 


Photo: EXPit thru lens
__________________________________________________________________________
Finally the hype is real. Not felt it since the questionair sheet, because stuff - but, now its there, thanks to you.
It's dangerous business talking to some WS people - suddenly you agree on something to do in game, and your whole world changes.  Hah, it will be so amazing! And the only thing I can say is that I hope there will be a picture of it. 
I need to bribe the photographers in one way XD 

Oh, oh - It's time to make potions again! I doubt my redwinesmellylike Swallow is very tasty now, six months after. . .  Yes, I still have it. Ha ha
I have to dig up the recipe again, and prepare some alchemy in the kitchen. Was great fun last time ^____^  

 

Aaaah, guys. How I miss you! 

Playlist for times in need

Just recently I started creating a playlist on my Spotify account.
Normally I just use youtube, or 'discover' mode on Spotify, but suddenly there is a time where you just need to listen to some songs on repeat. 

So my playlist is not really a big one.


For now I needed songs that can do both. 

A : Make me cry. Because then I feel empty, yet somewhat relaxed afterwards.
B: Calm. After 50 times, one just stop crying and feel calm instead, even dare to sing along. I am there now, at least on good days.
 
Never get  tired of this one. Just the main title ''Now we are free''. Means so much. What is life, if there is no freedom in it? 
 
These songs were more or less added on the airport omw to Spain. And it was basically the only thing I listend to of music that week.
Little unsteady- so suitable!
 
Found it by accident. Then I saw the music video and that was it. 
I am not into romantic films, but somewhat I feel I need to watch this one time. 
 
Just love the lyrics and his voice.
I have no words for this, just listen. . .  In love with EVERYTHING.

Sometimes you just need something to kick you back up on your feet. Good song for freeletics.

 

Wind beneath my wings. Sigh

 

Good for crying, for whatever reason!

 


Volbeat, just because: I AM counting all the assholes in the room, and because - assholes. 

 

 

 

 

Drwing - A witcher + process

WItcher, Claw and a friend. :) 

 

1: 

 

2

 

3 DONE

 

Im very happy with the final result . . . if that is allowed to say :) 

WITCHER SCHOOL JOURNEY - LARP - SEPTEMBER 2017- #6

1. September , aka under 4 week left! 
 * Clapping hands * 

Today it is time to update my Larp book ( also filled up with different campfire songs suitable for reenactement settings ) with larp stuff.
In this case, jokes and poems. 

So are you bored in game, come to me/Bodil and I'll tell you my best jokes, also poems! 
Bodil has a hobby now! Not everything is about slaying monsters and drinking alcohol until morning. . . ( IMAGINE THAT )

I hope for a chance to share these in a jolly good tavern, full of cheerish/drunk/ good witchers and Stripes.
It's not to many jokes, yet. But a few.

I also bought myself a pretty fine pen in Spain, just for this :) 


A sneak peak? 

* What do call a female elf? 
- A shelf 

__________________________________ 

Sneak peak on a verse in one poem: 

Stripes are brave,
make elfs disappear.
Give me a knife
and I?ll chop off the ear.



___________________________________ 

Speaking of poems.
I hated poems on school. It was the worst. 
Just until recently I found that writing poems actually a whole lot of fun. They may not be superiou and stunning, but its good enough for me. I get a chance to be creative in another level. Also transform dark and shitty things to something poetic and beautiful, in it's own way. 
:) 

 

 

Aaaaah, guys - 4 weeks to tons of hugs. I miss you SO much right now :) 

Unsteady

I came over this song by an accident, and now I can't stop listening to it. 
Just from the very first word. What an amazing voice, powerful and VERY emotional. I mean - wow.

Watch the video too. My heart! 

This is a beautiful song, sung by a beautiful artist.
Appreciate music - please. Music is life!

I also must add, this song fits my life pretty accurate ( especially on bad days) 
''Hold, hold, hold onto me, Cos I'm a little unsteady''

No.

This day and yesterday was great. Been smiling and cheerful and felt completely fine.

All day, just gone smoothley. Been drawing, singing, workout, walked the dog, even cleared up a difficult conversation with a friend.

Yeah basically all these normal everyday life things succeeded perfectly. . . until now.

Few hours before bed. A new week starts tomorrow, work, piano lesion, and so on. Choir on tuesday, and many things happening.

Over a few seconds I went from being super to fell into a darkness of hoplessness.
Saw a WS hype post and my respond was just staring to the screen as the tears just ran. . . No particulary reason.
But the pain in the chest came back today -.-

Sigh*

1.
Why cant I share the hype? (larp hype)
Its half of the fun. . .

2.

3.

I got a good hug, and recovering.
Im fine. Just angry for being like this.

Hoping I can feel tired soon, so I can sleep it of. Did not sleep very well this night, and was awake at 9 on a saturday. Not normal for me.

Bah.

Drawing - Another witcher + process


1


2


3



4 DONE

Home always best.

Home again.
welcomed by this pretty face -God, how I love her.

Also got my doc/med. plans for october on paper.
Waiting in the mail. Nothing I did not know already, but now I have it physically at least.

I was home for about one hour before I went to the gym. And it was the best feeling ever. After a slacky week without any regular training I needed it so badly!

I was so full of energy and felt like a queen. And fuck everything/everyone else - Im the best.

*Just have to enjoy it while it lasts. because how life has been lately everything, especially mood,  changes so quickly*

Anyways - Came home, went shopping foodz. And the plan is Dr.Who, vegan burger, Fries, Pepsi Max and carrots/with dip.
Perfect.

And ofc. lots and lots of Floofcuddle!!

Also been talking about getting a new computer, so I am able to start my drawing-steam plan again. (without lagg)
But its expensive, but hope it will happen soon. I feel I wanna have a stream account for rubbish talk and drawing  :p

Aaaand, I just realized I forgot my tiny bottle of redwine in Spain -.-
Whyyyyy meeeee?!

WITCHER SCHOOL JOURNEY - LARP - SEPTEMBER 2017- #5

Been a while since I felt any hype actually.

I lost all of it a few weeks back, it was nothing. I felt nothing when I though about it.  Just a flat, nervous, unsure feeling.

But it will come back, bit by bit, thanks to beautiful friends making sure there will be elfears, shots and dancing!
And monsterkillings and lovely pushups ofc.

Today my uncoinceness told me otherwise. Or, she tried at least.
I take it as a good sign.

Here is the thing.

I dreamt about the larp. Or more presiecly:  I dreamt I was preparing for the game to start.
I was in my room - wich was like 10 times bigger than normal. All happy and cheering while getting dressed, talked to some people about nothing really. More people were crashing in. Apparently my room hosted a ton of people.

Anyways. I then realized that I had forgotten many things. 
(Because nothing is perfect, not even in dreams.)
I forgot shirts, just had one. I forgot my corcett (wich I dont use in the game in the first place) this was a huge problem to me, it seemed. Then I forgot shooes and my sash!! Not the sash!!

And I also acted very strangely. I passed many people/friends I promised to hug when I saw them again. And I did not. (?!)
I hugged nobody. Just kept walking towards the courtyard, and the dream stopped when I got inside.

--------------
So.
Dreams are weird. But one weird dream about Witcher School is still a dream about ws. . . So its progress all in all :)

Well. Its 5 weeks left. (Or one, max two haircuts left... Gonna visit the hairdresser next week, so will see if I need one extra before the game)

One day left of vacation then home.

Hello

Just leave this here.

How quickly things can change

Yesterday was lovely.

Now I cant get up from bed, did not sleep, and everytime I was close to sleep I had get up to pee.

Also so sunburned that every position besides sleeping on my stomach is uncomfortable.  And I cant sleep on my stomach.

*Yaaawn*  I have to try to get up.

Is it monday?

Because if it is - It is GOT day.
Just checked if HBO is techically working in Spain. . . It say so - So by the love of God. Please work!

Because atm. I cant picture anything better than wine and GOT. Its the only thing I need now. The only thing...

Not you, not gold, not freedom, not free from illness, not a shitload of money, not Ws, nothing. . . Just my wine and a laggfree episode of Game of Thrones
#NotAddicted
Oh.oh. Some chocolate wont be wrong either.

------------------------

Neadless to say, this day has been a bit heavy. A bit emotional and a bit chaotic. I've spent the most of the day on the beach and in silence, just dont feel like keeping a converstation with anyone.
I did non the less - kicked my ass and completed a freeletics excersise, just now . . with a 2min better score than last time. Have no idea how that happened. I did my exersise on a tiny tiny room (still dont want to be around people.)
And it did amazingly work. But I worked on pure stubborness, nothing else.

Look it was this wide between the beds- and 2m on the longest the other way.

Now I am in the bed, not feeling good, but not terrible either - I got out some shit by doing the burpees. Now I am just taking a deep breath and feeling how the body is more tired than the head.  I'd prefer it that way.

Btw- Im sunburned. . . No surpise.

Slowmotion in the mornings.

It is in the mornings I find things thoughest.
The mornings and late nights when Im tired in body and mind.

Today it was a battle getting up at 10 for breakfast.
And when I move, talk or act - it is like everything is in slowmotion.

Also a slice of avokado failed to reach it's target, and I got angry. I did not do anything - just felt how my mind aggressivly reacted to that smal, unimportant thing.
It's not me. And atm I just wait for the day when I can't keep myself from holding in that anger and just burst it out when it happends. I really really dont want that to happen.

Anyways.
Mornings are hard.
I woke up today with vage memories of strange dreams mixed with worried thoughts for the near future.
September-ws- doctor - new work routine and so on . . .
I know I should focus day by day, but its not so easy when you are tired. you try to make a plan an stick to it - but you make the same plan over and over and over again,  and never seem to finish it,or agree that its a working plan.

This was my morning today.
Now we are just cleaning up after breakfast and prepare to go to the beach. The sound and smell of the sea is therapy of its own... to bad its cloudy atm -.-

Anyways. Its warm, still.

It's quiet.

It's peace,it's calm, it's quiet.
Very quiet. Normally it's too quiet for me,  but now it's perfect.

Just marienated my body with sunfactor 20 - because I have this famous  f#cking pale- norwegain viking- skin.
Already sweating it off.

Been too a market today and bought a new shirt. Might show it off later.
I dont really like shopping in the first place- but why not.
Summershirt that I can never use at home, because there is no summer.

As for now Alicante provides with D- vitamines for the next year.

How am I?
Im good, I guess. As long as I avoid to think of things that makes me sad.
Need to keep my head busy with something or else that plan fails miserably.
Just like old ladies - Crosswords will do the trick. . .
Or read a history magazine. Or play magic... oh yes.. we brought magic with us!
Not real magic... but cards will do.

Temperatures is aound 30 and the pool is 28... So yes, its warm.

Above the clouds

Flying : Norway-Spain
I look outside. The Ocean is covered with white dots of clouds, making shadows and bubbly formation.
I have calm melodies on my ears.
As I keep looking out, I see ocean as far as what the eye can capture. I see clouds, tiny boats, feel the warm sun on the window, on my chest.

I could look at this forever.

A friend told me to look around and name all the things you can see- could work against panickattacks. So I just did.

I cant post this before we land in 4-5 hours. But thought I wanted to write it down before I forget it, anyways.

Up here - far away, far above everyone - I feel somewhat at peace (despite I hate to fly with airplains.)

Vacation

Ok. Soon leaving for the airport and Spain (1week).
I have to be honest- It took a whole lot of energy to just get up from bed.
Had a few things I had to do before we leave, like making the bed and walk the dog. . . but damn it was hard. Everything was in slowmotion, and now I feel I have to walk around with music on my ears to keep me from crying.
Whatever works.

Tried to put some makup on and even smile. Look.

Convincing?

Now well.
Leaving the country for a week must be good for something.

Panicattack

Back and forth with if I should post this or not. Can't seem to decide, so I will just post it.
I told you I wanted to be open and honest about this "Journey" of mine.

So - Not that this was my plan for the evening, but it happened non the less.
Another (short, but aggressive) panickattack.

Started of with just feeling down, then my eyes got wet, tears came and then everything went crazy.
Hided in the bathroom while texting my best friend who guided me through. Always so supportive and understanding.
Thank you sweatheart - I love you.

It is maybe an hour ago now. Have some cheastpain, but not to much. My eyes are heavy and red - I will go to bed soon. Exchausted now. These things take up a whole amount of energy. . .

Also wanted to be bloody honest, and show the thruth of it. By pictures.
Why: Have no idea, maybe you are curious. Or maybe I will try to make this a bloody less Taboo theme.
This shit is real - and many of us have this. And it should not be something we whisper about in a corner because we are afraid to be laughed at or misunderstood or not taken seriously. 

We feel ashamed - and that comes from the taboo past of mental illness. Its something we don't talk about.
We have come further, have we not? We know more.

Anyways. (Just ignore everything I just said if its bullshit. . . I really dont know, I just babble and hope something make sense.)

The attack is begining. It's hard to keep it in, I just want to scream and hit things. Destroy things - I feel tremendous anger combined with heartbreaking sorrow.

And its on it's worst. Still keeping it in. Don't wanna go all crazy. It will pass. I just need a moment.  But it hurts. . . It hurts so so bad at this stage.
But Best friend holds my hand - 700km away, but she is there.

And the worst is over. But I am tired now. I feel empty and kind of lost.

I go back to my room, continue my drawing, calm down with music and a coke. Still my eyes are heavy and red, and my body is beaten up.

It is my first evening of vacation (1week)
Tomorrow Im of to Spain. I hope that will do good. Get some sun and warm on my body. Relax and dont do anything.

As for now.  Sleep well and thank you in advance - for everything

DRwing - Emotions

Just because.

 

Answer from the doctor.

Me again.

Just wanna say that I got a message from my doctor just now.  Well, not my doctor, but the people who might actually treat my head.
DPS ( District psychiatric hospital, or whatever that is in English)  asked me to be there 5th October, and another deeper digging into my head the 11th, as I understood it.

Things are happening. And I'm glad all of this starts after WS. I better start prepare myself to answer difficult questions then.
But, it is easier to answer questions than a : ''So, tell me your troubles.''
I am like: Where do I start? 
From the beginning? 
Me: Ehm. I don't know where the beginning is.


Nevermind. One day at the time. 
 

Nervous feeling.

Good morning.

I have no intention to whine or just feel sorry for myself with these posts, though it might seem like that right now.
Just wanna tell you how I feel, share an inside sight of a broken mind. I don't mind.
I am broken - but not dead and not alone. 

People should know my good sides, and bad sides. My ups and downs. Because a person have both - so don't hide who you are or take cover behind a mask. Because I have done so, I still do - and it have never done me good in the long run. 

This is temporary, I refuse to be like this for the rest of my life. I won't. But, for now. One day at the time, suck it in, survive.

___________________________________________________

Ups.
I saw this weeks episode of GOT yesterday, that was a moment of perfection- nothing was wrong. Everything was perfect for an hour. GOT and homemade pizza and pepsi MAX. Then I had a very funny skype talk with a friend, and that really made the evening of the week. It was a good evening with smiles.
Thank you!

__________________________________________________

Now

Time is 10:01, it is Friday - And I travel for Spain tomorrow, one week. 
Look forward to some real distance. Can't do any harm. 

 

I woke up deadly tired. Or wrong, hubby woke me up - otherwise I would oversleep. . . again. 
Packed my stuff for work and workout. I actually put some makeup on, first time in two weeks. Just trying to not look like shit all the time. 
Then put music on my ears. (Sabaton. Some good metal in the morning.) 
Arrived work at 07:52. Felt nothing. . . well after 20 minutes I got nervous. You know the feeling if you have a fright for something, ect. the dentist.
You have arrived, and are waiting for you appointment. *That waiting*, that kind of nervous feeling.
I still have it. The murmur feeling in your stomach. At one point you feel sick, not sick enough that you actually puke. . . but you feel unwell. I feel unwell.

I try to remember some trick to get my mind distracted. Some actually work-work do help for a short period of time, since I need to concentrate and think of important things.

The nervous feeling is still there when I write this, (10:15) now its up in my chest. it's not painful, just uncomfortable. If I take a deep breath and hold it - it feels calming, but I get dizzy of it, so I stop. Well, deep breaths and some stretching, do work a bit. 

I have 6 hours left before I can say I am on vacation. 

 

Some things triggers bad feelings through the day, I can't lie it of. One of them is:
This year many of my friends post their child's first schoolday. Beautiful, smiling children. Happy to be at school, learn things and make friends. Parents all so proud.
- If things did not go to hell that day, we would have one for its first school-day this week also. It's six years ago now. *Sigh
It is how it is. I can't change it. I have to look past it and keep going.  

Besides that. I have a floof who help me fall asleep an  the couch. I have a floofpaw I can hold when I feel extra sad, and she will stay there with me - helping me to handle everything, keep me calm.

Me and my floof two days ago. Sitting in the park, watching the birds in the pond. It was a moment of sun. 
My floof don't eat birds - she actually don't care about them. In this picture she really just wanted to move forward. The grass smells so good.
I actually surprised myself on our way back. On the way I felt very upset for literally nothing. I was all ready to scream and curse to everything, because Floof stopped to sniff something. I did not do anything though. I stopped myself. But I was scared - why did I react like that? I had no reason too. Just not logic.

We went home and I don't remember what I did next. My memory is shit, always been - and will probably be even worse now. Most likely I did some drawing and piano practice. 

 


Anyways. My honest everyday post of the day.


I wish you a good day. Or just a day, as a friend told me. Because some days just is a 'day'. 




 

No, you don't understand

That is what my head tells me on bad- bad days, when someone is trying to be nice and tells me - Hey, it will be alright. I know what you are going through. 

The real me, would Not EVER said this: You don't understand. 
But the sick me, will think so. Because that is logic to her. ( it is wrong, please I know.

But now I will try to explain what the sick (selfish) me thinks.

'' You don't understand, and you can never understand, because this is my fucking mind. My fucking head, my fucking life - Not yours. 
It is I who need to battle this, not you. It is I who feels the pain, feels the shame, feels the weakness. 
Everything I have been through is my burden, not yours. It is my curse, not yours.
How can you possibly understand? Everything I see and hear is twice as loud as normal. I overthink everything, analyzes everything twice, only to end up with the same answer. I have a sorrow, something within I can't cope with. I can't beat the demons I can't see. I have weapons, but I can't see my enemies. 
How can you understand how I should handle this? You can't. ''


As I write this I feel sick to the bones. I hear how selfish this is, and how awful and hurtful it is. 
I hope I never say this to anyone. This is not me. This is not the person I want to be. Not today, not ever.

 

 

A step into the unknown.

So, I will try to not make this looks like a self-pity post, but I feel I have something to tell everyone, as it will be as it is. This or that way.

 

*Takes a deep breath.

I want to be honest and open with this. As much as possible, if there is any questions, don't hesitate to ask. I might tell, and I might have a bad day - an politely refuse, because I don't have the strength or being capable to find the right words.
Already once today I have fucked up, because I am an emotional wreck and I don't know what I say before the words are out, and someone ends hurt because of that.
I can't promise it won't happen again, because when I am panicking for whatever reason - I feel like I need to do something, and learned this was is not the way. But I can't control it. So I wan't to warn you, as my friend now - If I say strange things, that don't look like me - it is not me. And please forgive me.

 - I have been diagnosed with Anxiety and depression, just recently. 
I filled out a form at the doctors office after a long talk, and a letter.
Scored 17 on Anxiety 
Scored 14 on depression. 
31 - In total. 
I think everything over 19 is a sign of problems. . . so. 
The doctor sent a request for a psychologist as soon as possible, but there is a waiting list, and I have to be patient until that happens.  It is though to hear, of course, but also good to know that it's just not only me.
So I am getting help. 


That said. I won't go into deep details on what, when or why. If only i knew that myself, I would not be here in the first place.
But after the talk with my doctor it's most likely that the problems started already in 2011, when I lost my first un-borned child. Then it happened again the year after. Then we got rejected as foster parents. So there are strong elements that this is the root cause, and I never got a chance to come to peace with it. I went into therapy back then to. It worked for a time, but did not fix anything, it seemed.
This affects a lot of things in the everyday life. Things kind of slowly changed from there. One tiny thing after the another, so slowly I don't even notice them before it's ''to late''.

Also. On the work front there are huge changes, my contract with the company that hires me has been signed off, so after 9  1/2 years at this place, I have to do something else, and I will have an unsure routine from 1st. October. 

Don't really helps. 

________________________

I might end up on medication, but I really hope I can avoid that as long as possible. 

So what happened? How did I find out?
I started a week maybe two back in time. With small pain in my chest that did not go away. It was not really painful, just uncomfortable. I walked with this without thinking to much over it. It will pass. It did not. It got worse. I tried to talk to some about it, some  told it could be anxiety, but I told them no. I don't have that. 
Yet. It still went on. I started to cry for no obvious reasons.
Last weekend I collapsed on the coach, screaming and crying for . . . I don't know how long. It never ended. I was shaking, panicking, had problems with breathing and felt like I wanted to destroy things, but I kept clinging to a pillow until I managed to call my mum and just tell her everything that was filling my head. Some things really disturbing. Basically just chaos. I don't even remember what I told her, I was desperate.
She is a star of the few, so she was very supporting and told me to see a doctor at once. I called for an appointment, but was nothing available in three days. I signed up for that.
So thank you mum. I love you. 
- After that, I felt empty. I sat on a chair and just stared into the abyss - not knowing what to do with myself. It was a struggle to even move my hand to the keyboard to surf the internet as I normally would do. Listen to music, or draw.
(Pain in chest is back while I write this.) 
I lost my appetite  and did just eat 3 small meals on 4 days. Lost 4 kg somewhere in the process, so, something is not working. I look at the time and realize I have not eaten anything today. I will
Still I feel it's hard to start a project, like a daily routine like: Workout, walk the dog, eat, draw or practice with piano or singing. I need like an hour of just staring before I get myself to action. It's very frustrating. 

It is soon one week vacation, and I hope that will do me some good. Get some distance. Forget the world for a tiny moment.

I have many things I should look forward too, but I can't now. The hype is shaded over by a dark mist. I just hope the wind will clear the sky soon. I would hate to loose my Witcher School hype because of this shit. I have been looking forward to this for 6 months, and now is not the time to feel scared or anxious. It's just 6 weeks ahead.

 


Anyways.
With this post I just wanna inform how things are, and I would love to be honest about everything. So please be patient with me.
I have a lot of things to think of, and a lot of things to fix, repair, handle. And I don't know how yet, but I will find out. 
There a big things, and small things. Important things and not so important things. Stupid things and smart things. 
I can't seem to see the difference between what now, but I will work on it.  

I have problems to talk about it, but be patient and I will. Because I want to talk about it. I want to share my story if it can help anyone. 
I have many good friends that are stepping up for me already, talk sense to me and try to help as well as they can. Bless them for life.  I hope by the love of God I don't loose them, because I feel for a period of time now, I will do and say things that will hurt them, and If they leave - I can't blame anyone but myself.


But it is hard. Because I am ashamed. I am sad and angry at my self, but I know it's not forever. It will pass, but not now. Now I must find a way to breathe, or just give a fuck. 
When all this is over, I will be the happiest lady in the world - I am sure. It might take weeks, months, years - future is uncertain, but it's there. I won't be there alone, but things will change. . . this or that way, and I hate changes. 


I will leave this for now.

I will be fine in the end, I promise. All I want is your patience, and please - don't shut me out of your life. 
 

 

Les mer i arkivet » September 2017 » August 2017 » Juli 2017
Lithanna

Lithanna

31, Bergen

En tegne/trene og skriveblogg. Jeg kommenterer ikke på andre blogger. Interesser: Tegning, skriving, dyrevelferd, hund, trening, reanactment, laiv, spill, sang og kor. I Juli 2015 fikk jeg min første fantasybok publisert. ''Klanen''

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